...Titles are not my forte...

     To clarify on my last post, 68 lbs does seem like a veryyyy small weight, but I'm 4'11. A 'perfect' weight for me would be, like....90 lbs. So I'm only about 20lbs underweight. And I have a a tiny frame naturally, so probably I could be healthy even lower than 90. Like, while I was in the 80s, I didn't have any physical repercussions. And the BMI doesn't seem fair; the more weight you lose, the more it impacts the number. So at a very low weight, less than half a pound would be a dramatic difference on the BMI scale, whereas if you get to average or above, even several pounds don't change the BMI at all. So while it seems very very small, it's not unrealistic for me. I knoooow I'm just making excuses to justify loosing even more....But I can't help it.
 
     I don't even wanna know how much I ate over the past few days. Yesterday, I went to brunch with K and his family(tiny bit of eggs(est. 1 egg?), 2 slices of bacon, a mini poppyseed muffin) and had dinner with him and his mom, too(salad, italian dressing, baked ziti, 2 oreos, and cranberry sierra mist.) And today we did spaghetti and cranberry ginsing tea w/ truvia. Soooo...I really don't want to know how many calories that is over the past few days. I'm petrified that I'll scoot back up on the scale.

     I forgot to mention that my period has been acting all sorts of whack lately. Coming and going and coming twice a month....aah! But at least it's here. That's rather a lovely thing. I'm kind of scared that being at this new low might make it leave again, but I want to be thin more than I want to be fertile. I know that's a horrible thing to say, since I've decided I do want kids some day...but I can't help it. I can't think about the future when I'm so preoccupied with my weight. The little voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm fucking up my body for good doesn't come close to outweighing the one screaming that if I just put down the muffin, then I'll loose another pound and be one step closer to being happy. And I know that's not really true and I'll never be happy...but I just can't get that through my head. It's almost like my ana is another person. I get why so many people refer to it as 'her'. I tell her, with a logical, winning-type argument, that she's being stupid and will hurt herself, and she hears me....but she doesn't listen. That's what it feels like.

     If I ever decide to quit this, I'm going to need actual help.

Here's a pic btw, bleached my bangs back. Sorry I never gave you a pic of it colored.

I told.

     Sorry for the lack of updates. I think...blogging is hard for me. Ridiculously hard. It's painful to talk about these things, to admit that I do have an illness. I avoid blogging a lot now. I'll try, though, since it's good to have an outlet where I can talk about these things. Though I kind of have another outlet now.

     I told K about my ed. It was hard, but it had to be done. Total honesty policy, and all that. He's so open with me, and I felt like shit keeping this huge part of my life from him. He....freaked out, basically. Spent HOURS telling me how beautiful and perfect and thin I am. And I believe him, I really do. But...that still doesn't change things. The logical side of my brain knows I'm thin, too thin. It's always known. It's just...there's some sort of disconnect from the logical part of my brain and whatever bit of grey matter controls how I act and see and think of myself. So despite his saying that, I still can't stop.  But it's nice having someone to talk with about it.

     I feel bad about telling him though, for his sake, not mine. He's always worried about me, for whatever reason. Making sure I'm sleeping enough, worrying where I am, making sure I get home ok, that I get all my schoolwork done, that I'm emotionally stable. He's even always making sure I eat, even long before I told him. That's just how he is. It's sweet. But I HATE worrying him. He has troubles of his own, and he shouldn't burden himself with mine as well. But he does, especially now. He's calmed down a little since I told him, but you can tell it still affects how he treats me. He worries a lot more now.

     Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. School is....overwhelming, to say the least, but it's not really phasing me that much. I dunno why, it just hasn't affected me. I've got a helluva case of senioritus, too. Oy vey. I have essays up the wazoo, and homework that's backed up for dayyyys. It's kinda awful. I need to stop procrastinating. But whatever.

      I've been pretty good about eating. I've been cooking like crazy- tons and tons of muffins, stew, chicken, ect. ect. ect. I mostly only eat when K is over, though. The rest of the food is given out at school, or to my family, or anyone else but me. I'm proud of myself, though. I kicked the purging. I did it for a few days after my last post, and stopped cold turkey. And it feels great. And....I'M DOWN TO 68.5 LBS!!!! Ohmigosh you guys you have no idea how good it feels. I've jumped to a 13.8 bmi! It's amazing. And for long moments, I feel actually thin. And, then, of course, I stop feeling so amazing and wish I could get to 60 lbs...but whatever. It's a huge accomplishment and I am so so proud of myself.

Todays intake: 1 cup of Mangostein tea, with truvia(which is actually quite gross and tastes of aspartame. But it's so pretty and sparkly.). 0 cals.