Sorry for the lack of posts...

     I'm in the middle of a move (Yay TriBeCa!!!! So happy to be living here.) so I've been really busy and dealing with sketchy internet. Also college stuff(Thanks for not filing your taxes early for me, Daddy. Have fun paying more for college.) Aaaaaand there's a whole pregnancy scare thing that I'll get into later...life's been all over the place...So I obviously have been really slacking on the blog.

     Food's been going pretty good, though. No TIME to eat, if anyone asks. Too STRESSED to eat if they don't believe that. Plus we're still stocking up our kitchen here and all so food's been all over the place ANYWAY. And I'm so proud of myself. I threw away ALL the candy I got on Valentines day, including CRAZY good chocolate and Fun Dip.  It was hard, but I just couldn't bear to gain back any weight since I'm almost...happy with where I am weight wise. So the trash ate the fat grams and calories.

     Today I have ingested  3 cups of pickle juice. Which is actually quite tasty and good for you, like Gatorade but better. I'm doing it as a sort of detox. 1 week, 3 cups a day. I've been getting the juice free from a nearby deli in huuuuge vats. And honestly, 3 days into my detox, I've never felt better. Pickle juice rehydrates and replenishes electrolytes. And it's doing great things for me. I'm more energetic than I've been in a while, and I haven't gained any weight. Haven't lost any either, but whatever. All the stress in my life was leaving me crazy drained, and this is helping like crazy. Totally recommend this to anyone. Do it! Do it now!

     So far as the pregnancy thing goes....I dunno. I have a lot of problems forcing K to wear a condom, which I KNOW is a stupid decision on my part  but I just...can't say know. I can't bear to do anything to make him not 100% happy. And I'm fine with the pullout method, I really am. It's not really that risky IF you do it right and pull out in time....and once he wasn't sure if he did or not. So I dunno. I don't think I'm pregnant, really, since I did bleed. But it was early and a LOT lighter than I've come to expect...but I don't think it's implantion bleeding since that's only pink or brown and this wasn't...and....I dunno. I'm pretty sure I'm not but there's still that question in the back of my mind.

     Either way I'm not sooo torn up about it. I'm in pretty good spirits at the moment. Oh well. I'll take it as it comes.

     (Never got around to responding to the last comment I got. OMG I am so so pleased to be someones thinspo. That's like...being god to me. Best compliment I've ever gotten. Really touched me and keeps me going. Arms are my best feature, I think. My skin get's loooots of work, it's prone to dryness. I have a pretty strict regimine I go through. If you're curious I'll outline it but it prolly won't work for you since everyone's skin is very different.)
    

...Titles are not my forte...

     To clarify on my last post, 68 lbs does seem like a veryyyy small weight, but I'm 4'11. A 'perfect' weight for me would be, like....90 lbs. So I'm only about 20lbs underweight. And I have a a tiny frame naturally, so probably I could be healthy even lower than 90. Like, while I was in the 80s, I didn't have any physical repercussions. And the BMI doesn't seem fair; the more weight you lose, the more it impacts the number. So at a very low weight, less than half a pound would be a dramatic difference on the BMI scale, whereas if you get to average or above, even several pounds don't change the BMI at all. So while it seems very very small, it's not unrealistic for me. I knoooow I'm just making excuses to justify loosing even more....But I can't help it.
 
     I don't even wanna know how much I ate over the past few days. Yesterday, I went to brunch with K and his family(tiny bit of eggs(est. 1 egg?), 2 slices of bacon, a mini poppyseed muffin) and had dinner with him and his mom, too(salad, italian dressing, baked ziti, 2 oreos, and cranberry sierra mist.) And today we did spaghetti and cranberry ginsing tea w/ truvia. Soooo...I really don't want to know how many calories that is over the past few days. I'm petrified that I'll scoot back up on the scale.

     I forgot to mention that my period has been acting all sorts of whack lately. Coming and going and coming twice a month....aah! But at least it's here. That's rather a lovely thing. I'm kind of scared that being at this new low might make it leave again, but I want to be thin more than I want to be fertile. I know that's a horrible thing to say, since I've decided I do want kids some day...but I can't help it. I can't think about the future when I'm so preoccupied with my weight. The little voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm fucking up my body for good doesn't come close to outweighing the one screaming that if I just put down the muffin, then I'll loose another pound and be one step closer to being happy. And I know that's not really true and I'll never be happy...but I just can't get that through my head. It's almost like my ana is another person. I get why so many people refer to it as 'her'. I tell her, with a logical, winning-type argument, that she's being stupid and will hurt herself, and she hears me....but she doesn't listen. That's what it feels like.

     If I ever decide to quit this, I'm going to need actual help.

Here's a pic btw, bleached my bangs back. Sorry I never gave you a pic of it colored.

I told.

     Sorry for the lack of updates. I think...blogging is hard for me. Ridiculously hard. It's painful to talk about these things, to admit that I do have an illness. I avoid blogging a lot now. I'll try, though, since it's good to have an outlet where I can talk about these things. Though I kind of have another outlet now.

     I told K about my ed. It was hard, but it had to be done. Total honesty policy, and all that. He's so open with me, and I felt like shit keeping this huge part of my life from him. He....freaked out, basically. Spent HOURS telling me how beautiful and perfect and thin I am. And I believe him, I really do. But...that still doesn't change things. The logical side of my brain knows I'm thin, too thin. It's always known. It's just...there's some sort of disconnect from the logical part of my brain and whatever bit of grey matter controls how I act and see and think of myself. So despite his saying that, I still can't stop.  But it's nice having someone to talk with about it.

     I feel bad about telling him though, for his sake, not mine. He's always worried about me, for whatever reason. Making sure I'm sleeping enough, worrying where I am, making sure I get home ok, that I get all my schoolwork done, that I'm emotionally stable. He's even always making sure I eat, even long before I told him. That's just how he is. It's sweet. But I HATE worrying him. He has troubles of his own, and he shouldn't burden himself with mine as well. But he does, especially now. He's calmed down a little since I told him, but you can tell it still affects how he treats me. He worries a lot more now.

     Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. School is....overwhelming, to say the least, but it's not really phasing me that much. I dunno why, it just hasn't affected me. I've got a helluva case of senioritus, too. Oy vey. I have essays up the wazoo, and homework that's backed up for dayyyys. It's kinda awful. I need to stop procrastinating. But whatever.

      I've been pretty good about eating. I've been cooking like crazy- tons and tons of muffins, stew, chicken, ect. ect. ect. I mostly only eat when K is over, though. The rest of the food is given out at school, or to my family, or anyone else but me. I'm proud of myself, though. I kicked the purging. I did it for a few days after my last post, and stopped cold turkey. And it feels great. And....I'M DOWN TO 68.5 LBS!!!! Ohmigosh you guys you have no idea how good it feels. I've jumped to a 13.8 bmi! It's amazing. And for long moments, I feel actually thin. And, then, of course, I stop feeling so amazing and wish I could get to 60 lbs...but whatever. It's a huge accomplishment and I am so so proud of myself.

Todays intake: 1 cup of Mangostein tea, with truvia(which is actually quite gross and tastes of aspartame. But it's so pretty and sparkly.). 0 cals.

Blegggghhh

     I come to you, dear blog, with no excuse or apology for not posting...and a chimichanga and a glass of sugary lemonade. No excuses for those either. I've crashed, guys. I've crashed hard. I've eaten soooo much today...and purged every time. Egg in a nest on WHITE bread fried in EVOO with a side of BACON? In my toilet. Half-caffe machiatto? Coffee shop toilet. Cinnamon scone? School toilet. Mushroom and onion omelette? Cafe toilet. And soon the things I'm eating now will join the rest of my vomit in the New York City sewers.

     I don't know why I'm doing this. I've never really purged before; maybe once or twice. I have no reason to feel shitty, or at least not shittier than usual. Things have been going great school-wise, socially, with K(who I see Sunday), and my weight hasn't changed in forever. I don't understand.

     Honestly though...I'm scared. I though for a while my ana was getting better...but today's behavior tells me otherwise. The whole binge nd purge thing terrifies me. Always swore I'd never do this. That's a promise that got broken.

     I hate making myself throw up. My throat hurts, my eyes water, I got little blood spots under the skin around my eyes, my mouth tastes disgusting, and I just feel like shit. But today it was like an addiction. I just really hope tomorrow goes better. Even if I have to fast; I just don't want to keep purging.

Um yeah...

     Sorry that I've been a baaaad blogger, I know, I know. I'll try to be better, really. I'm having internet issues in my room currently though, so when I feel like blogging, my internet is down, and when it's available, I don't feel like blogging.

     How was all of your Thanksgivings? Harddddd times for we EDers, huh? I juice-fasted for days before hand so I didn't feel too guilty, and I ate as little as possible. I actually wound up doing two Thanksgiving dinners, one with my dad's family on Thanksgiving Day, and one with my moms fa
mily on Black Friday. Saturday I went shoe shopping, and got my hair dyed. My bangs are blue you guys!!! I'll put up pictures in a little bit.

     K is away on vacation for a looooong time, to some tropical island. He spend Friday night in a hotel, and flew out Saturday morning. I don't get to see him until the 13th, and the last time I saw him was Wednesday. And we can't text much(2-3 texts a day) since that would get craaaazy expensive for him. Honestly though I just wish we wouldn't text at all, since now I'm constantly by my phone, waiting for his texts. But whatever, I'll live. Pro is, I'm the opposite of an emotional eater. I'm an emotional starver. When I'm anything but happy, I can't bear to eat. So fasting is going well, I had some grapefruit juice this morning, and 3 shots of espresso. Figure 80 calories.

     I went food shopping on Saturday, too. Bought black truffle oil (to accompany the white truffle oil and the white truffle oil with porcini mushrooms I already have), walnut oil, and hot pepper infused oil. I have a thing for fancy oils; I also have rosemary oil, and I recently ran out of peppercorn oil. It's borderline obsession. I also bought organic chunky applesauce, champagne vinegar, and tuna-stuffed olives. I don't know why I spend so much money on all this stuff, considering I rarely use it. I dunno. I have such fucked up attitudes about food.

     Now, the most major news. Guess what came Saturday night! That's right- MY PERIOD!!!!!! I'm spotting you guys!!! It's crazy light, barely anything, but it's better than nothing! I don't know why it came, maybe it was the shock of so much more food than usual in my from Thanksgiving; I dunno. I didn't seem to gain any weight. All I know is it's back, and I couldn't be happier. Really this astounds me. Gotta make an appointment with my gyno; see what she thinks.

I've been a bad, bad girl...

     I know. I know, I haven't posted in forever! Even after promising that I would. I wish I had an excuse, but I don't. I've been busy, but not so busy that I couldn't blog. I guess the only reason I haven't been blogging is...I've been...happy.
    
     I only really blog a lot when I'm miserable. But since K and I started dating, I've been on cloud nine. We're like, the cutest couple ever. We kinda make our friends want to puke, even though we try to keep PDA to a minimum. We draw the line at kissing, but cuddling and such is fine. I'm really happy, you guys. And that just means I have no motivation to blog. But I'm gonna try to keep up with it from now on, ok? I felt bad every time I'd look at my computer.

     On the ana front, not much has been happening. I eat regular meals every time K comes over to my apartment, though I can get away with only fluids when I'm over at his place. And let me just say, there have been times where I've gone a day with the only thing I've ingested being HIS fluids hehehe. I think he kind of suspects I have an ED\. He'll check up on me to make sure I've eaten something that day, and if I haven't, it doesn't take much to convince him I'm fine and not hungry. He just asked me like...5 min ago over text. I'll probably eventually tell him....but not yet.

     I hate to talk so incessantly about K, but there's once more thing I have to say. Whenever I would have sex with anyone, I'd always feel really...gross. I'd obsess over the rolls of my stomach as I bent down, or thinking of the best ways to angle myself so I looked thinnest. But with K....I don't feel like that. I just focus on what I'm supposed to focus on. (For the record, we haven't gone the whole way yet; he's still a virgin and not ready for that). And most stunning, when he calls me beautiful....I actually believe him.

     Today, I've been gooood. I've had 2 celery sticks, and a cup of unsweetened black tea. That's no calories, none. So proud of me.I haven't had any significant weight change in a while, about the same since last real post.

    So, yeah. I'm hoping to get back into blogging regularly, so expect to see more posts from me. Love you all!

Sory again!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, busiest week EVER. I'll blog tomorrow I think.

HE ASKED HE ASKED HE ASKED HE ASKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     In case you didn't gather, HE ASKED ME OUT! EEEEEEE!

     Over text. To a park. Without actually saying it's a date, but strongly implying, and basically confirming when I asked. OMG YOU GUYS! HE ASKED!

     I'm so incredibly ecstatic, I'm almost shaking. I was out shopping for halloween products, and it was all I could do not to squeal like crazy....

      We're not currently telling people, until we know if it'll actually work out, but I think it will. Omg words cannot even describe my happiness.

     NO food today, go me!!!

Take the plunge, dammit!!!

     Over lunch with the boy, who I will refer to as K from now on, we had our first face-to-face discussion about our potential relationship and all that. He says that his one issue with going out is, if we do end up going steady, what will happen if we break up? Which is my main worry, as well, since his friendship matters SO much to me. But I'd still like to have him. So much. But he sounded...promising. I think we have a chance. I'm so fucking happy, I could cry. Between this, and my newly low BMI (no major change since last blog), I feel...ok. I might even go so far as 'pretty'.

     I told him I'd wait for an answer until the end of the week, then I make no promises that I won't find someone else. But I think he'll say yes. At least for one little date. That can't hurt anything.

     I had star fruit today, forgot I had one in my fridge. About 30 calories, I guess. Also K and I went to a coffee shop for lunch (usually we just meet up outside, where most people from our schools hang during lunch periods. But we didn't want to be around friends today.), and I felt weird not ordering anything. So I got  oz of espresso, which is only, like, one calorie. So total damage is very very small today.

     On the topic of kids, I do plan to adopt, if I end up wanting a kid. I've always felt like that, even before I knew I might not be able to have my own. It still sucks that I might not have the option, though. I never know how I'd feel in life. Ya never know- K and I could end up together forever, and I might wanna have his babies. It could happen. At the rate things are going, it just might.

He wants me, he really wants me!!!!!

     Omigosh you guys. Remember how I was talking about my best guy-friend a my birthday party who I'm secretly crazy for? Last night we were texting (I got into a fight with my dad....) and I told him that I was seriously considering moving in with my mom(5 hour trip away), and he told me, in the most awkward way possible, that he's been fantasizing about me. OMG. And then he's all, 'I'm confused about how I feel about you, since I definitely feel more than friends for you, but I'm not sure if I like you." He's so uncomfortable and awkward; it's adorable. I ended up telling him that I would be willing to do whatever he wanted to help him figure things out, be it casual sex, going out, or just ignoring it like the big purple elephant in the room. Of course I hinted that I'd prefer we go on a date sometime, though. So I really hope he decided on that.
     I'm so so so happy that he told me, since I had thought that he didn't like me, at all, which led to be feeling like I'm fat, ugly, and worthless. Now that's kind of....lifted a bit. Of course, now I'm not eating at all, so I can look nice if we do end up going out. So, there ya go.
     Thanks for the support about my last entry. It really sucks, but I think I can get through it. I looked up statistics, and apparently 80% of women who loose fertility due to eating disorders get em back. That's a promising number. Plus, hey! I save tons of money on tampons, birth control, and condoms...
      Food-wise, same as last blog. Shared persimmon and tea. Approx. 100 cals. Ooh, and I'm down to 72 lbs, 14.5 BMI. Just 2.5 lbs, and I'm down to a 14 BMI. How amazing is that?

I'm not a girl, no longer a woman....

     Did you guys all wear purple yesterday?? I was gonna blog about it, but forgot.

     Intake today - 1 persimmon, approx 100 cals. A little less, since I shared with my dad and brother. Also plain tea (White with mango and mangosteen). I also used chapstick like crack- Burt's Bees balms in acai, passionfruit, and pomegranite are amazzzzing. Also MAC's Best of Breed. But none of these things have calories. So, approx. under 100.

     I really don't wanna talk about this, but I feel I should, since it's ana-related. I stopped getting my periods about 10 months ago, due to low body weight. I've only recently started going to a gynecologist, so I was able to hide this fact for a while. But now they need to know things like that, so it's become an issue. Basically, without a period, I can't have kids, and the longer I don't get it, the more at-risk I am to become entirely infertile. I was put on Provera, to try to get me back on track....Well, it didn't work. I've spoken to my doctor, set up an appointment and all that...but she says the chances of anything else working, aside for gaining weight....probably won't work. I'm pretty much infertile. Barren. Amenorrheic. Fruitless.

     I mostly don't like kids, though that may be affected by the fact that I knew for a while that having kids might be an issue. Like, I won't let myself, so I don't get hurt if I can't. I don't know if that's why I don't like kids, but I try to be psychologically aware of myself, and put all possibilities out there. Still, the idea that I may NEVER have children is terrifying. Sure, I may never have had kids, if I wound up with a girl, but at least I would have the option. I feel like anorexia has robbed me of my womanhood.
 
     On top of that, I'm entirely flat-chested. No tits. None.

    Ignore my ugly bathing suit and non-existent collar-bone and sternum. But, see, nothing in the chest area. Nothing. The one bit of fat I actually like on bodies is boobs. Nice, round, perky ones. B's and C's. But I don't have that. All my fucking fat goes to hiding beautiful bones (LIKE MY COLLAR BONES GODDAMIT. THOSE ARE THE SEXIEST THING EVER I WANT THEM AAAAAH!) and giving fat fat fat legs and love handles. Not where I want it. I used to have boobs, I remember. They were lovely- perfectly shaped, with just the right amount of hang and such; I didn't even care that they were small. Like this, but a little larger. Or this, a little smaller. (Warning: Do not click if you're not ok with seeing bare breasts, even in a non-sexual manner.) They were my opinion of perfect. But now...they're gone. I hate that the one part I loved about me was sacrificed in attempt to perfect the rest of me....and I still haven't achieved perfection. It's not fair.

      Sometimes, I really wish I could get past this...

Back! I hate emotions....

     Once again, I'm really sorry that I haven't been on lately, I've been super busy. School and community service and all that. Asdfffff sometimes I hate getting a top-notch education.
 
     So, last weekend I had my own birthday gathering. Had a bunch of people over to my place, we ate like pigs. Home-made pizza(Mine was white and delicious and probably better for me than anything else. So, pizza dough, mozzarella, Parmesan, ricotta, rosemary-infused olive oil, tomatoes, sundried tomatoes, mushrooms, and broccoli), then these awful for you desserts (All in a cupcake tin, brownies topped with chocolate chip icecream topped with gnash topped with decorative sprinkles), and in the morning bacon, eggs, and toast.

     The party was great fun, but kinda also sent me into a tailspin. I have a majoooor crush on my guy best friend, not that I would ever let him know. He's, like, emotionally stunted and doesn't do relationships. I'd mostly gotten over him, since he wasn't around all summer. Then he spent pretty much the entire party cuddling with me, meaning nothing by it, just being sweet. But it's sent my brain into mush. All the success I'd had getting over him....Gone now. I'm back to square one, and I can't get him out of my head. Fuuuuuu. I really just wish he'd be more clear with his emotions, but...he's a guy. They don't do that. Girls are so much simpler; next girl I find who's into me, I'm going for it.

     Back to food, this Friday was my actual birthday, so we partied in 2 classes. Breakfast cupcakes(In cupcake form, toast, eggs, bacon, and cheddar cheese), and the same dessert things from my party. Plus also pancakes, orange juice, and this amazing apple maple bundt cake. I was bad...And then on Monday, we do it all over again.

     So, I've been bad. But I don't usually binge like this, and it's not like it's every day. It's been over, like, 2 weeks. Other than that I've been on mostly fruit and juice. Ooh, I have starfruit in my fridge and that makes me really happy. And I finished off a few rambutan the other day. I plan to stay on fruit for the next long time.

     I've started running regularly again; I can already feel my legs starting to tone up. Of course, they're already fairly toned since I rarely wear anything but heels, but still. They're more toned now. And that's a good thing. I just have to be careful I don't get too much muscle bulk, since I hate that. I want the pin legs that, like, no-one has. I've only met once person in real life who has the ideal legs for me. It kind of makes me feel like I want the impossible. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

Sorry...

     Sorry I haven't posted in forever; I've been really busy!


     Posts coming soon, though! Stay skinny!

Treat yourself!

     I probably went over my calorie limit today, but you know what? I don't care.
     
     Today was my best friend's birthday party, so of course, all dietary limitations get scrapped...Well, to a point. As much as I was tempted, I resisted foie gras. So so fatty, even if it is delicious. But anyway, we went to Graffiti, which is a lovely restaurant in the East Village.  I had a  watermelon salad with feta cheese, and a mint sorbet. And then I was convinced into dessert, so I had strawberries with truffle oil, and pepper ice cream. So fucking amazing. Go there. NOW. I was also sorely tempted by the lychee martinis, which I've had before and are AMAZING, but I withstood.
   
     By the way, everyone's always so amazed when they find out that I drink all the time in restaurants here, but really, I've never been carded. Neither have any of my friends. It's not like we look over 21, even, we don't. I guess it's just a New York thing? I dunno. But no-one even bats an eye; alcohol isn't seen as a big deal in the circles I do.

     After we finished at Graffiti, we went to Veniero's, which is only like, a block away from Graffiti. I got a sfogliatella (I think I spelled that right?) and a baba rum. Italian pastries don't really go well with the Indian-ish food we'd just had at Graffiti, and we had already had dessert. But whatever. Also had an iced cappuccino which is made with espresso gelato omggggg....So good.

      And then we went back to my friend's house, where we had some forties and watched Not Another Teen Movie. And it was fun.

     I didn't keep track of calories at all, and definitely went over my 500, but you know what? It was fun. I had loads of fun. I figure one meal over my limit is excusable, right? It was truly worth it, so I don't feel bad.


     Also I totally want to do Mia Kirshner. She's so amazing.

I'm such a masochistic freak...

     I've stopped getting page views...Pooh. Haven't had any for 2 days.

     Anyway, moving on. I had a bit of a pig-out today, but it's fine, as it was all under my calorie limit. I try to stick to 500 or less a day. Not so hard, considering I'm very used to eating only one meal a day, even before my ana. So I had 3oz of spicy curly fries(150 cal), 3 slices of cheese melted on top (180 cal), 2 tbs of ketchup (30 cals), 1 celery stick, and 1 tbs of salmon roe caviar on top of it (40 cals). Plus some black tea and Splenda. Total: 400 cals

     It's strange; for someone who has so many issues with food, I adore it. I love cooking it, reading and watching about exotic and exquisite types of it( Antony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern are some of my favorite people EVER), eating said exotic and exquisite foods, and that kinda thing. I have a passion for the gourmet and unusual food, especially fruit. I can spend hours shopping in Asian food markets and the like, and my favorite foods (Lychee, rambutan, dragon fruit, truffles, and quail) are things that most people don't ever eat. I'm happiest when I'm slaving over a hot stove, cooking for my family....Only to then take my share upstairs and flush it down the toilet. I love going to gourmet restaurants, and it's a double bonus since the servings are so tiny, I don't feel too guilty.

     The worst bit of it all is that most of the time, this pleasure is double-sided. It's a bit torturous to have to deprive myself of all the lovely things out there. Sometimes I just have a good cry after flushing what I'd just cooked, or googling something particularly yummy looking. It's miserable.

      But then there are those lovely moments when I find things I can eat, even in small quantities. And I guess that makes it better, since I tend to eat a lovely variety of things, when I do it.

      What do you, my non-existent viewers, make of it all?

Call me a witch; I'm melting...

     Do you guys ever feel like you just need to sob, completely crushed, and have no idea why? That's prety much where I am right now.

     I can't even bear to be alive any more. I can't take it, I just wan't everything to stop....moving. Things go so fast, and I keep feeling like where I want to be has been left behind. I'm finally starting to like where I am in life, and I'm being forced into casting it all aside. Fuck college, fuck ambition, fuck all the fucking potential. I just want to curl up in bed forever, crying silent little tears.

     I feel so fucking different from the rest of the world. I don't feel connected to friends, family, people at school, people from my scene, people of the ED community, anything. I feel like all the connections I've forged are meaningless, and one little step could send me off alone. Nothing feels concrete anymore, nothing's solid. And all that makes me wanna do is eat, so I have something weighing me down.

     But then I'll just feel like shit, so there's no point.

     Today I have eaten 2 cups of apple sauce. Approx 200 calories. Cup of tea, 0 cal. 1.5 tbs of honey for the tea, 33 calories. .25 oz wine in my tea, approx. 10 calories (That sounds wrong to me, but the internet says so.) 1 lemon wedge for my tea, approx. 2 calories. 4 shots of brandy so far....224 cal and counting.


Total damage for the day: 469.

I'll probably sleep after this.

Sicksicksick...

     Past few days I've been sick as a dog. My bronchitis has been greatly aggravated by my outside community service I did over the weekend, and I've been bedridden. Coughing up (now bloody) phlegm, nasal drippage, headaches, fever, chills, SUPER pallor, clammyness, sweat, the works. I even hallucinated the other day.

     Currently my fever is laying low, so I figured I'd blog while I'm relatively lucid. Although my meds are making me a bit loopy. Standing up results in drunked walking and swaying, bumping into things, and falling. Plus I say some pretty crazy things sometimes.


     I've not been counting calories, and I don't feel like figuring it out atm. But all I've had is home-made, additive-free apple-sauce. Also tea with honey, lemon, and wine. Best thing EVER for sore throats. I've been having it since I was a little one.

     On the medication front, I've been having regular dosages of Zythromax, Robitussin, Zycam, Triaminic, Emer-Gen-C (stings so much omggg), Nite-Time (I think that's generic NyQuil), Valerian Root(it's a sleep aid I've started taking a few days ago. Forgot to mention it in the last blog), and tons of cough drops. Specifically, Hall's strawberry creams and citrus flavors and Luden's cherry.  So, yes. I've been well-medicated. And not very clear-headed.

     I'm gonna end now, as the meds I took about a half hour ago are starting to kick in, and I need sleeeeep.

Updates...

     Today's food consisted of 10 more lychee nuts. 30 cals. I also drank loads of water, some sugar-free tea(no calories, and some cough drops. I have full-blown bronchitis now. I hate coughing and tasting infection, and I hate hacking up phlegm. So disgusting. I'm on Zythromax now.

     I went and got my yearbook photos done today. OMG I looked so awful in them. So gigantically fat. Looking at the pictures on the walls, though, I can tell he's just a really bad photographer. All these girls-some of whom I know- looked much larger than usual. But still, I felt fat looking at them. It really got me down all day. I'm not looking forward to the yearbook this year.

     Got plenty of other compliments from the photog, though. Kept saying how clear my skin was, how easy I was to instruct, and that kinda thing. He decided not to charge me for touch-ups, since there wasn't much needed to be done. That's a huge perk about ana; your skin is always FLAWLESS. No gross fat intake making oils to make your skin zitty. Since I got my ED, I have had very very few pimples. Ana does have some major perks.

    I would do an 'I love my ana' post, but...I'm not feeling cheery enough to do that.

Cheers.  

I hate you, Ana.

     I had fruit today. Yay. I had 10 lychee nuts. That is a total of 30 calories, approximately.  Also about 1 cup of cranberry juice, so around 116 calories. So sourrrrr! Not doing that again.

     But anyway, total of 140 calories. I also drank a loooot of water today. I had a calorie-free cough drop as well, as my throat is SO raw.


     There was a blood drive at my school recently(again, not gonna say exactly when; I don't wanna be tracked down...). I worked at the check-in for a while (an hour of community service, plus skipping gym? YUSSS!), but I can't donate. It's my ana's fault. Too low body weight.  Anorexia is very restricting, yanno?

     I hate that I can't do so many things because of my low weight. I hate that I'm always weak, cold, tired, sleepy, and frail. I hate that my immune system is weak, and I hate that I'm sick so often. I hate lanugo. I hate being sickly-pale and grey. I hate that my hands are sometimes purple. I hate waxing constantly, because of lanugo. I hate knowing that I've gotten so thin and unhealthy, I may never be able to have children. I hate lying to my family and friends about getting my period. I hate lying to my family and friends about food. I hate lying to my family and friends about everything else.  I hate staring at girls who I know aren't fat, but thinking about how disgusting and huge they are. I hate thinking the same that girls who truly do have EDs aren't that skinny, and should try harder. I hate looking on girls forced into recovery and thinking they should fight back, rather than eat and get fat. I hate looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I hate hating my body, my mind, my feeling, my thoughts. I hate thinking I'm not good enough. I hate knowing that I'm already thinner than most girls with ED's, and yet not being able to stop. I hate promising myself  that after this next five pounds, I'll stop. I hate promising to myself that soon, I'll get help, and go into recovery. I hate breaking those promises. I hate not knowing when it will end.
I hate knowing it never will end.

One day, Ana will kill me.

Fast. In all senses of the word.

Just a quickie right now, sorry.

I broke my fast just now. Since I started my water fast Monday night.

I had juice. Apple Cranberry Lemon. Juiced it myself. SO hard to find cranberries, I got em frozen. Which is apparently better for you; more nutrients. Whatever.

Btdubs, if you didn't know, you're supposed to break a fast with juice. Don't shock your system, or else you'll gain back all the weight. I break a water fast with 2 days juice, 2 days fruit (especially citrus!), and then my regular light food.

I lost 3 pounds yayyy.  Water fasts don't really loose a lot of weight, since your body is thinking you're starving. Oh, yeah, I am....but let's just discount that. But anyway. I don't do water fasts to loose weight, I do it to prove to myself that I can. Juice fasts, which I do ALL the time are lots more effective.


By the way, you guys should all get juicers. So much funnnn, and it's an easy way to customize what you drink. And with me, all I really have most of the time is juice, so. It's important to me.

Things that go well in juice:
Apples, carrots, avocado(to thicken), banana(same as avocado), cranberry, all citrus(especially grapefruit!!! OMG)(I don't think buddha's hand would be good juice, though), cactus pears(a little thickness), dragon fruit, lychee(annoying to pit, though. And you need soooo many), peaches(again with the thickness), celery, string beans, kale, tomato. They all taste really good. I usually put in protein powder or wheat germ or some other powder supplement, too, if I wanna get in calories or have strength or something that day.

By the way guys I'm doing a cancer walk soon! I won't give details on that, since my school is playing a big part in it. And since I go to a smallish private school, and have a very unique name, it would not be hard to find me. Sorry, guys. But yeah! Looking forward to that. Get to exercise and do charity. Sweet.

So. Yeah. Sorry I didn't talk about anything important today. Didn't have much to say. Peace and strength, guys!