I told.

     Sorry for the lack of updates. I think...blogging is hard for me. Ridiculously hard. It's painful to talk about these things, to admit that I do have an illness. I avoid blogging a lot now. I'll try, though, since it's good to have an outlet where I can talk about these things. Though I kind of have another outlet now.

     I told K about my ed. It was hard, but it had to be done. Total honesty policy, and all that. He's so open with me, and I felt like shit keeping this huge part of my life from him. He....freaked out, basically. Spent HOURS telling me how beautiful and perfect and thin I am. And I believe him, I really do. But...that still doesn't change things. The logical side of my brain knows I'm thin, too thin. It's always known. It's just...there's some sort of disconnect from the logical part of my brain and whatever bit of grey matter controls how I act and see and think of myself. So despite his saying that, I still can't stop.  But it's nice having someone to talk with about it.

     I feel bad about telling him though, for his sake, not mine. He's always worried about me, for whatever reason. Making sure I'm sleeping enough, worrying where I am, making sure I get home ok, that I get all my schoolwork done, that I'm emotionally stable. He's even always making sure I eat, even long before I told him. That's just how he is. It's sweet. But I HATE worrying him. He has troubles of his own, and he shouldn't burden himself with mine as well. But he does, especially now. He's calmed down a little since I told him, but you can tell it still affects how he treats me. He worries a lot more now.

     Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. School is....overwhelming, to say the least, but it's not really phasing me that much. I dunno why, it just hasn't affected me. I've got a helluva case of senioritus, too. Oy vey. I have essays up the wazoo, and homework that's backed up for dayyyys. It's kinda awful. I need to stop procrastinating. But whatever.

      I've been pretty good about eating. I've been cooking like crazy- tons and tons of muffins, stew, chicken, ect. ect. ect. I mostly only eat when K is over, though. The rest of the food is given out at school, or to my family, or anyone else but me. I'm proud of myself, though. I kicked the purging. I did it for a few days after my last post, and stopped cold turkey. And it feels great. And....I'M DOWN TO 68.5 LBS!!!! Ohmigosh you guys you have no idea how good it feels. I've jumped to a 13.8 bmi! It's amazing. And for long moments, I feel actually thin. And, then, of course, I stop feeling so amazing and wish I could get to 60 lbs...but whatever. It's a huge accomplishment and I am so so proud of myself.

Todays intake: 1 cup of Mangostein tea, with truvia(which is actually quite gross and tastes of aspartame. But it's so pretty and sparkly.). 0 cals.

Blegggghhh

     I come to you, dear blog, with no excuse or apology for not posting...and a chimichanga and a glass of sugary lemonade. No excuses for those either. I've crashed, guys. I've crashed hard. I've eaten soooo much today...and purged every time. Egg in a nest on WHITE bread fried in EVOO with a side of BACON? In my toilet. Half-caffe machiatto? Coffee shop toilet. Cinnamon scone? School toilet. Mushroom and onion omelette? Cafe toilet. And soon the things I'm eating now will join the rest of my vomit in the New York City sewers.

     I don't know why I'm doing this. I've never really purged before; maybe once or twice. I have no reason to feel shitty, or at least not shittier than usual. Things have been going great school-wise, socially, with K(who I see Sunday), and my weight hasn't changed in forever. I don't understand.

     Honestly though...I'm scared. I though for a while my ana was getting better...but today's behavior tells me otherwise. The whole binge nd purge thing terrifies me. Always swore I'd never do this. That's a promise that got broken.

     I hate making myself throw up. My throat hurts, my eyes water, I got little blood spots under the skin around my eyes, my mouth tastes disgusting, and I just feel like shit. But today it was like an addiction. I just really hope tomorrow goes better. Even if I have to fast; I just don't want to keep purging.

Um yeah...

     Sorry that I've been a baaaad blogger, I know, I know. I'll try to be better, really. I'm having internet issues in my room currently though, so when I feel like blogging, my internet is down, and when it's available, I don't feel like blogging.

     How was all of your Thanksgivings? Harddddd times for we EDers, huh? I juice-fasted for days before hand so I didn't feel too guilty, and I ate as little as possible. I actually wound up doing two Thanksgiving dinners, one with my dad's family on Thanksgiving Day, and one with my moms fa
mily on Black Friday. Saturday I went shoe shopping, and got my hair dyed. My bangs are blue you guys!!! I'll put up pictures in a little bit.

     K is away on vacation for a looooong time, to some tropical island. He spend Friday night in a hotel, and flew out Saturday morning. I don't get to see him until the 13th, and the last time I saw him was Wednesday. And we can't text much(2-3 texts a day) since that would get craaaazy expensive for him. Honestly though I just wish we wouldn't text at all, since now I'm constantly by my phone, waiting for his texts. But whatever, I'll live. Pro is, I'm the opposite of an emotional eater. I'm an emotional starver. When I'm anything but happy, I can't bear to eat. So fasting is going well, I had some grapefruit juice this morning, and 3 shots of espresso. Figure 80 calories.

     I went food shopping on Saturday, too. Bought black truffle oil (to accompany the white truffle oil and the white truffle oil with porcini mushrooms I already have), walnut oil, and hot pepper infused oil. I have a thing for fancy oils; I also have rosemary oil, and I recently ran out of peppercorn oil. It's borderline obsession. I also bought organic chunky applesauce, champagne vinegar, and tuna-stuffed olives. I don't know why I spend so much money on all this stuff, considering I rarely use it. I dunno. I have such fucked up attitudes about food.

     Now, the most major news. Guess what came Saturday night! That's right- MY PERIOD!!!!!! I'm spotting you guys!!! It's crazy light, barely anything, but it's better than nothing! I don't know why it came, maybe it was the shock of so much more food than usual in my from Thanksgiving; I dunno. I didn't seem to gain any weight. All I know is it's back, and I couldn't be happier. Really this astounds me. Gotta make an appointment with my gyno; see what she thinks.

I've been a bad, bad girl...

     I know. I know, I haven't posted in forever! Even after promising that I would. I wish I had an excuse, but I don't. I've been busy, but not so busy that I couldn't blog. I guess the only reason I haven't been blogging is...I've been...happy.
    
     I only really blog a lot when I'm miserable. But since K and I started dating, I've been on cloud nine. We're like, the cutest couple ever. We kinda make our friends want to puke, even though we try to keep PDA to a minimum. We draw the line at kissing, but cuddling and such is fine. I'm really happy, you guys. And that just means I have no motivation to blog. But I'm gonna try to keep up with it from now on, ok? I felt bad every time I'd look at my computer.

     On the ana front, not much has been happening. I eat regular meals every time K comes over to my apartment, though I can get away with only fluids when I'm over at his place. And let me just say, there have been times where I've gone a day with the only thing I've ingested being HIS fluids hehehe. I think he kind of suspects I have an ED\. He'll check up on me to make sure I've eaten something that day, and if I haven't, it doesn't take much to convince him I'm fine and not hungry. He just asked me like...5 min ago over text. I'll probably eventually tell him....but not yet.

     I hate to talk so incessantly about K, but there's once more thing I have to say. Whenever I would have sex with anyone, I'd always feel really...gross. I'd obsess over the rolls of my stomach as I bent down, or thinking of the best ways to angle myself so I looked thinnest. But with K....I don't feel like that. I just focus on what I'm supposed to focus on. (For the record, we haven't gone the whole way yet; he's still a virgin and not ready for that). And most stunning, when he calls me beautiful....I actually believe him.

     Today, I've been gooood. I've had 2 celery sticks, and a cup of unsweetened black tea. That's no calories, none. So proud of me.I haven't had any significant weight change in a while, about the same since last real post.

    So, yeah. I'm hoping to get back into blogging regularly, so expect to see more posts from me. Love you all!

Sory again!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, busiest week EVER. I'll blog tomorrow I think.

HE ASKED HE ASKED HE ASKED HE ASKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     In case you didn't gather, HE ASKED ME OUT! EEEEEEE!

     Over text. To a park. Without actually saying it's a date, but strongly implying, and basically confirming when I asked. OMG YOU GUYS! HE ASKED!

     I'm so incredibly ecstatic, I'm almost shaking. I was out shopping for halloween products, and it was all I could do not to squeal like crazy....

      We're not currently telling people, until we know if it'll actually work out, but I think it will. Omg words cannot even describe my happiness.

     NO food today, go me!!!

Take the plunge, dammit!!!

     Over lunch with the boy, who I will refer to as K from now on, we had our first face-to-face discussion about our potential relationship and all that. He says that his one issue with going out is, if we do end up going steady, what will happen if we break up? Which is my main worry, as well, since his friendship matters SO much to me. But I'd still like to have him. So much. But he sounded...promising. I think we have a chance. I'm so fucking happy, I could cry. Between this, and my newly low BMI (no major change since last blog), I feel...ok. I might even go so far as 'pretty'.

     I told him I'd wait for an answer until the end of the week, then I make no promises that I won't find someone else. But I think he'll say yes. At least for one little date. That can't hurt anything.

     I had star fruit today, forgot I had one in my fridge. About 30 calories, I guess. Also K and I went to a coffee shop for lunch (usually we just meet up outside, where most people from our schools hang during lunch periods. But we didn't want to be around friends today.), and I felt weird not ordering anything. So I got  oz of espresso, which is only, like, one calorie. So total damage is very very small today.

     On the topic of kids, I do plan to adopt, if I end up wanting a kid. I've always felt like that, even before I knew I might not be able to have my own. It still sucks that I might not have the option, though. I never know how I'd feel in life. Ya never know- K and I could end up together forever, and I might wanna have his babies. It could happen. At the rate things are going, it just might.