...Titles are not my forte...

     To clarify on my last post, 68 lbs does seem like a veryyyy small weight, but I'm 4'11. A 'perfect' weight for me would be, like....90 lbs. So I'm only about 20lbs underweight. And I have a a tiny frame naturally, so probably I could be healthy even lower than 90. Like, while I was in the 80s, I didn't have any physical repercussions. And the BMI doesn't seem fair; the more weight you lose, the more it impacts the number. So at a very low weight, less than half a pound would be a dramatic difference on the BMI scale, whereas if you get to average or above, even several pounds don't change the BMI at all. So while it seems very very small, it's not unrealistic for me. I knoooow I'm just making excuses to justify loosing even more....But I can't help it.
 
     I don't even wanna know how much I ate over the past few days. Yesterday, I went to brunch with K and his family(tiny bit of eggs(est. 1 egg?), 2 slices of bacon, a mini poppyseed muffin) and had dinner with him and his mom, too(salad, italian dressing, baked ziti, 2 oreos, and cranberry sierra mist.) And today we did spaghetti and cranberry ginsing tea w/ truvia. Soooo...I really don't want to know how many calories that is over the past few days. I'm petrified that I'll scoot back up on the scale.

     I forgot to mention that my period has been acting all sorts of whack lately. Coming and going and coming twice a month....aah! But at least it's here. That's rather a lovely thing. I'm kind of scared that being at this new low might make it leave again, but I want to be thin more than I want to be fertile. I know that's a horrible thing to say, since I've decided I do want kids some day...but I can't help it. I can't think about the future when I'm so preoccupied with my weight. The little voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm fucking up my body for good doesn't come close to outweighing the one screaming that if I just put down the muffin, then I'll loose another pound and be one step closer to being happy. And I know that's not really true and I'll never be happy...but I just can't get that through my head. It's almost like my ana is another person. I get why so many people refer to it as 'her'. I tell her, with a logical, winning-type argument, that she's being stupid and will hurt herself, and she hears me....but she doesn't listen. That's what it feels like.

     If I ever decide to quit this, I'm going to need actual help.

Here's a pic btw, bleached my bangs back. Sorry I never gave you a pic of it colored.