Sicksicksick...

     Past few days I've been sick as a dog. My bronchitis has been greatly aggravated by my outside community service I did over the weekend, and I've been bedridden. Coughing up (now bloody) phlegm, nasal drippage, headaches, fever, chills, SUPER pallor, clammyness, sweat, the works. I even hallucinated the other day.

     Currently my fever is laying low, so I figured I'd blog while I'm relatively lucid. Although my meds are making me a bit loopy. Standing up results in drunked walking and swaying, bumping into things, and falling. Plus I say some pretty crazy things sometimes.


     I've not been counting calories, and I don't feel like figuring it out atm. But all I've had is home-made, additive-free apple-sauce. Also tea with honey, lemon, and wine. Best thing EVER for sore throats. I've been having it since I was a little one.

     On the medication front, I've been having regular dosages of Zythromax, Robitussin, Zycam, Triaminic, Emer-Gen-C (stings so much omggg), Nite-Time (I think that's generic NyQuil), Valerian Root(it's a sleep aid I've started taking a few days ago. Forgot to mention it in the last blog), and tons of cough drops. Specifically, Hall's strawberry creams and citrus flavors and Luden's cherry.  So, yes. I've been well-medicated. And not very clear-headed.

     I'm gonna end now, as the meds I took about a half hour ago are starting to kick in, and I need sleeeeep.

Updates...

     Today's food consisted of 10 more lychee nuts. 30 cals. I also drank loads of water, some sugar-free tea(no calories, and some cough drops. I have full-blown bronchitis now. I hate coughing and tasting infection, and I hate hacking up phlegm. So disgusting. I'm on Zythromax now.

     I went and got my yearbook photos done today. OMG I looked so awful in them. So gigantically fat. Looking at the pictures on the walls, though, I can tell he's just a really bad photographer. All these girls-some of whom I know- looked much larger than usual. But still, I felt fat looking at them. It really got me down all day. I'm not looking forward to the yearbook this year.

     Got plenty of other compliments from the photog, though. Kept saying how clear my skin was, how easy I was to instruct, and that kinda thing. He decided not to charge me for touch-ups, since there wasn't much needed to be done. That's a huge perk about ana; your skin is always FLAWLESS. No gross fat intake making oils to make your skin zitty. Since I got my ED, I have had very very few pimples. Ana does have some major perks.

    I would do an 'I love my ana' post, but...I'm not feeling cheery enough to do that.

Cheers.  

I hate you, Ana.

     I had fruit today. Yay. I had 10 lychee nuts. That is a total of 30 calories, approximately.  Also about 1 cup of cranberry juice, so around 116 calories. So sourrrrr! Not doing that again.

     But anyway, total of 140 calories. I also drank a loooot of water today. I had a calorie-free cough drop as well, as my throat is SO raw.


     There was a blood drive at my school recently(again, not gonna say exactly when; I don't wanna be tracked down...). I worked at the check-in for a while (an hour of community service, plus skipping gym? YUSSS!), but I can't donate. It's my ana's fault. Too low body weight.  Anorexia is very restricting, yanno?

     I hate that I can't do so many things because of my low weight. I hate that I'm always weak, cold, tired, sleepy, and frail. I hate that my immune system is weak, and I hate that I'm sick so often. I hate lanugo. I hate being sickly-pale and grey. I hate that my hands are sometimes purple. I hate waxing constantly, because of lanugo. I hate knowing that I've gotten so thin and unhealthy, I may never be able to have children. I hate lying to my family and friends about getting my period. I hate lying to my family and friends about food. I hate lying to my family and friends about everything else.  I hate staring at girls who I know aren't fat, but thinking about how disgusting and huge they are. I hate thinking the same that girls who truly do have EDs aren't that skinny, and should try harder. I hate looking on girls forced into recovery and thinking they should fight back, rather than eat and get fat. I hate looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I hate hating my body, my mind, my feeling, my thoughts. I hate thinking I'm not good enough. I hate knowing that I'm already thinner than most girls with ED's, and yet not being able to stop. I hate promising myself  that after this next five pounds, I'll stop. I hate promising to myself that soon, I'll get help, and go into recovery. I hate breaking those promises. I hate not knowing when it will end.
I hate knowing it never will end.

One day, Ana will kill me.

Fast. In all senses of the word.

Just a quickie right now, sorry.

I broke my fast just now. Since I started my water fast Monday night.

I had juice. Apple Cranberry Lemon. Juiced it myself. SO hard to find cranberries, I got em frozen. Which is apparently better for you; more nutrients. Whatever.

Btdubs, if you didn't know, you're supposed to break a fast with juice. Don't shock your system, or else you'll gain back all the weight. I break a water fast with 2 days juice, 2 days fruit (especially citrus!), and then my regular light food.

I lost 3 pounds yayyy.  Water fasts don't really loose a lot of weight, since your body is thinking you're starving. Oh, yeah, I am....but let's just discount that. But anyway. I don't do water fasts to loose weight, I do it to prove to myself that I can. Juice fasts, which I do ALL the time are lots more effective.


By the way, you guys should all get juicers. So much funnnn, and it's an easy way to customize what you drink. And with me, all I really have most of the time is juice, so. It's important to me.

Things that go well in juice:
Apples, carrots, avocado(to thicken), banana(same as avocado), cranberry, all citrus(especially grapefruit!!! OMG)(I don't think buddha's hand would be good juice, though), cactus pears(a little thickness), dragon fruit, lychee(annoying to pit, though. And you need soooo many), peaches(again with the thickness), celery, string beans, kale, tomato. They all taste really good. I usually put in protein powder or wheat germ or some other powder supplement, too, if I wanna get in calories or have strength or something that day.

By the way guys I'm doing a cancer walk soon! I won't give details on that, since my school is playing a big part in it. And since I go to a smallish private school, and have a very unique name, it would not be hard to find me. Sorry, guys. But yeah! Looking forward to that. Get to exercise and do charity. Sweet.

So. Yeah. Sorry I didn't talk about anything important today. Didn't have much to say. Peace and strength, guys!

People Not Like Us...

     OMG I have my first follower yayyyyy!

     Almost done with my fast. Feeling a little faint at times, but nothing I can't handle. Drink lots of water, and I can trick myself into feeling full.
On Friday I kinda broke it, I had to have a cough drop. During chorus, I was helping out(We usually sing full chorus Monday, Altos (That's me) Tuesday, guys...Idk, Wednesday or Thursday, and Sopranos Friday. But sometimes our teacher asks a few people from other sections to join in with another section so they get used to working with the harmony.) and I had a soar throat. So I had an icky cough drop. But I'm not so mad at myself.

     So, a comment brought to mind how I feel about girls who aren't afflicted by ED. Frankly, I don't care. I wouldn't wish this on anyone; it's miserable. I don't look down on people with normal eating habits. If you're happy with yourself, more power to ya,

     What I do have issues with is people who complain about their weight (or anything else), but do nothing about it. That bothers me. If you don't value yourself enough to try to correct what's wrong with you (if you're bothered by the imperfection), then I have no pity. I can't stand that. Girls who kvetch about how fat they are, while eating nachos....that disgusts me. If you're bothered, get off your fat ass and work to be thin. Same goes for wanting to be fashionable, rich, good at school, or anything else. Nothing is free; work for what you want.

     I also hate people who criticize other people's hard work. That's not ok. Just because YOU aren't bothered by your shitty grades or convex tummy doesn't mean the rest of us are. And studying or dieting doesn't make us nerds or whores....It just means we'll get into a better college and get involved with better people. And later in life, we, along with our sexy as shit spouses, will OWN your ass. Have fun looking down on us now; we'll sure enjoy it when we reap our rewards.

     Peace, guys.

So far, so good.

     As of yet, I'm doing well on my water fast. Almost broke it during lunch at school today, but I stayed strong.

     Today we were working on our swimming unit in school. Yeah. That means bathing suits. In public. Ugh. The humiliation was unbearable. I was so miserable, all exposed and vulnerable; it was really hard not to give up my fun ol' facade and break out in tears. It was awful. I couldn't stand being all out there, wobbly and bulgy and gross. It's not even just the fat, though; I hate how unprotected and vulnerable I feel when I'm so close to naked in front of everyone.  I also had a gross rash on one of my upper arms from waxing the night before. I hate lanugo. Not fun.

     The comments on how thin I am was nice, but I guess they don't notice my problem areas? Idk. I think all girls without ana/mia are blind to jiggle, so long as most of a body is thin. They say we see things wrong, dysmorphia and all that, but no. I think we're just more attuned to noticing our many flaws. There's nothing wrong with my eyes; I can see when my thighs bounce when I jump or if there's a disgusting amount of pinchable flesh on my side. The rest of them just don't see it since they're not in our bodies. I know I have fat, and I hate when people tell me otherwise.

     Onnn another note, is it just me, or is hunger a wonderful feeling? I adore the feeling of having nothing in my stomach, and the rumblies make me happy. I dunno how to describe it. It's not even just the success of not eating; it's the feeling itself. Loooove it.

Kayso well. Ta-ta for now!

I won't get a freshman 15, more like 45.

     I hate college prep. I don't want to have to think about any of this. I hate having to write the fucking acceptance essays that make you look at yourself, because I hate looking at myself. Every time I'm forced to write about an experience that changed me for the better, I can't do it, since I'm not good enough to have been changed. I'm a worthless fat shit, and I don't want to write otherwise. I hate the lying I have to do. I just want to write about my ana, and how it's made me a stronger person. But I don't think the college boards would want a nutter like me going to their school. So I have to write bullshit about overcoming shyness and valuing life.

     Fuck all that. I've never been shy, and I know my life is fucking worthless, so why would I value it. I'm not a good person; I haven't had great epiphanies that would make me a worthy candidate to any college. I'm worthless. I'm a worthless, stupid pig who can't manage to do anything right. Not even starve.

     Speaking of which, I ate today. I promised myself the only calories I would have this week would be from juice (preferably grapefruit), but I have no willpower when I'm stressed. All I can manage to do is stuff my fat face.

     Today I have eaten:
2 8oz glasses of grapefruit juice-220 cals
1 rectangle of Hersheys Dark Chocolate bar-15 cals
2 Pecan Sandie cookie-80 calories.

     95 extra fucking calories. That's a 15 minutes jog, or a 20 minute bike ride. And, of course, I didn't do any of that. So it's just going to become fat. Fat fat fat fat fat.

     It's not even so much the amount of calories, since 315 is really a quite small amount of calories for a day. But I hate that I can't resist eating food, especially disgusting food that's so terrible for me. I hate my lack of willpower, hate how weak I am. I wish I could just not.......need.

     Tomorrow I'm going on a water diet. For a week. I will not be swayed on this. I have to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to know that I am strong. Without that, I won't go to college, since I know I will get fat.

So...Hello.

     I've never really had a blog before, so I don't know what I'm doing. I'll figure it out as I go along. Bear with me, though.

     Anyway. Hi. My name is Azzie, and I'm a senior in a New York private all-girls school. I'm a major english nerd, and I love art. Oh, yeah-I'm anorexic.

     I guess that's really what this blog is supposed to be about, no point in dicking around it. I've been anorexic for about a year now, and I've lost a good bit of weight since then. I'm 4'11(yes, I'm short.), and I used to average in around 120lbs, with a BMI of 24.2. I now scale in at 80 pounds. BMI 16.2. 

     There wasn't really a point where I decided to become anorexic; it doesn't happen like that. And I never really thought I was fat. I started to eat less and less around the time I was raped by an older friend-though, sorry, guys. Not quit ready to talk about that yet. But, yeah, I think that was what set it off. I'd always been the type who doesn't eat a lot when I get depressed or stressed out, and I guess that the rape just aggravated it. I still notice that during stressful or upsetting times, I eat less than I already do. Which, obviously isn't much.

     Now, before we get off on the wrong foot, this isn't a pro-ana blog. I don't condone anorexia, and I think all the girls who wish they had it are a bit touched, to put it lightly. What I'm here to talk about is just my day-to-day life, dealing with my illness. I feel like most people talk about it like it's this entirely horrible thing, and they just hate it and want it gone. And then there are the other lunes who love their anorexia, and rave about it, and all they ever talk about is how OMG YOU GUYS I LOST ANOTHER POUND!!!!!. 

     I'm not like any of that. Anorexia has it's upsides, and it's definite downs. I realize I'm risking my health and life, I'm not stupid. But loosing weight is addictive. Like, if I can just drop another 5 pounds, maybe my thighs won't jiggle anymore, and there won't be anything else to pinch on my stomach. And I feel like...my anorexia gives me the power to control something in a life that's constantly being dictated to me by other people. It's like, if I'm strong enough to skip this next meal, then I'm strong enough to take anything on. It's empowering. And to feel empowered, I think the risk to my health is worth it.

     So, really, this is just gonna be me, talking about life. Mostly about my life as an anorexic. Obviously. So. Yeah. Tune back in soonish to see if I have another post. I'll try to update frequently.

(Hmm. I wonder if people will actually read this.)