HE ASKED HE ASKED HE ASKED HE ASKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     In case you didn't gather, HE ASKED ME OUT! EEEEEEE!

     Over text. To a park. Without actually saying it's a date, but strongly implying, and basically confirming when I asked. OMG YOU GUYS! HE ASKED!

     I'm so incredibly ecstatic, I'm almost shaking. I was out shopping for halloween products, and it was all I could do not to squeal like crazy....

      We're not currently telling people, until we know if it'll actually work out, but I think it will. Omg words cannot even describe my happiness.

     NO food today, go me!!!

Take the plunge, dammit!!!

     Over lunch with the boy, who I will refer to as K from now on, we had our first face-to-face discussion about our potential relationship and all that. He says that his one issue with going out is, if we do end up going steady, what will happen if we break up? Which is my main worry, as well, since his friendship matters SO much to me. But I'd still like to have him. So much. But he sounded...promising. I think we have a chance. I'm so fucking happy, I could cry. Between this, and my newly low BMI (no major change since last blog), I feel...ok. I might even go so far as 'pretty'.

     I told him I'd wait for an answer until the end of the week, then I make no promises that I won't find someone else. But I think he'll say yes. At least for one little date. That can't hurt anything.

     I had star fruit today, forgot I had one in my fridge. About 30 calories, I guess. Also K and I went to a coffee shop for lunch (usually we just meet up outside, where most people from our schools hang during lunch periods. But we didn't want to be around friends today.), and I felt weird not ordering anything. So I got  oz of espresso, which is only, like, one calorie. So total damage is very very small today.

     On the topic of kids, I do plan to adopt, if I end up wanting a kid. I've always felt like that, even before I knew I might not be able to have my own. It still sucks that I might not have the option, though. I never know how I'd feel in life. Ya never know- K and I could end up together forever, and I might wanna have his babies. It could happen. At the rate things are going, it just might.

He wants me, he really wants me!!!!!

     Omigosh you guys. Remember how I was talking about my best guy-friend a my birthday party who I'm secretly crazy for? Last night we were texting (I got into a fight with my dad....) and I told him that I was seriously considering moving in with my mom(5 hour trip away), and he told me, in the most awkward way possible, that he's been fantasizing about me. OMG. And then he's all, 'I'm confused about how I feel about you, since I definitely feel more than friends for you, but I'm not sure if I like you." He's so uncomfortable and awkward; it's adorable. I ended up telling him that I would be willing to do whatever he wanted to help him figure things out, be it casual sex, going out, or just ignoring it like the big purple elephant in the room. Of course I hinted that I'd prefer we go on a date sometime, though. So I really hope he decided on that.
     I'm so so so happy that he told me, since I had thought that he didn't like me, at all, which led to be feeling like I'm fat, ugly, and worthless. Now that's kind of....lifted a bit. Of course, now I'm not eating at all, so I can look nice if we do end up going out. So, there ya go.
     Thanks for the support about my last entry. It really sucks, but I think I can get through it. I looked up statistics, and apparently 80% of women who loose fertility due to eating disorders get em back. That's a promising number. Plus, hey! I save tons of money on tampons, birth control, and condoms...
      Food-wise, same as last blog. Shared persimmon and tea. Approx. 100 cals. Ooh, and I'm down to 72 lbs, 14.5 BMI. Just 2.5 lbs, and I'm down to a 14 BMI. How amazing is that?

I'm not a girl, no longer a woman....

     Did you guys all wear purple yesterday?? I was gonna blog about it, but forgot.

     Intake today - 1 persimmon, approx 100 cals. A little less, since I shared with my dad and brother. Also plain tea (White with mango and mangosteen). I also used chapstick like crack- Burt's Bees balms in acai, passionfruit, and pomegranite are amazzzzing. Also MAC's Best of Breed. But none of these things have calories. So, approx. under 100.

     I really don't wanna talk about this, but I feel I should, since it's ana-related. I stopped getting my periods about 10 months ago, due to low body weight. I've only recently started going to a gynecologist, so I was able to hide this fact for a while. But now they need to know things like that, so it's become an issue. Basically, without a period, I can't have kids, and the longer I don't get it, the more at-risk I am to become entirely infertile. I was put on Provera, to try to get me back on track....Well, it didn't work. I've spoken to my doctor, set up an appointment and all that...but she says the chances of anything else working, aside for gaining weight....probably won't work. I'm pretty much infertile. Barren. Amenorrheic. Fruitless.

     I mostly don't like kids, though that may be affected by the fact that I knew for a while that having kids might be an issue. Like, I won't let myself, so I don't get hurt if I can't. I don't know if that's why I don't like kids, but I try to be psychologically aware of myself, and put all possibilities out there. Still, the idea that I may NEVER have children is terrifying. Sure, I may never have had kids, if I wound up with a girl, but at least I would have the option. I feel like anorexia has robbed me of my womanhood.
 
     On top of that, I'm entirely flat-chested. No tits. None.

    Ignore my ugly bathing suit and non-existent collar-bone and sternum. But, see, nothing in the chest area. Nothing. The one bit of fat I actually like on bodies is boobs. Nice, round, perky ones. B's and C's. But I don't have that. All my fucking fat goes to hiding beautiful bones (LIKE MY COLLAR BONES GODDAMIT. THOSE ARE THE SEXIEST THING EVER I WANT THEM AAAAAH!) and giving fat fat fat legs and love handles. Not where I want it. I used to have boobs, I remember. They were lovely- perfectly shaped, with just the right amount of hang and such; I didn't even care that they were small. Like this, but a little larger. Or this, a little smaller. (Warning: Do not click if you're not ok with seeing bare breasts, even in a non-sexual manner.) They were my opinion of perfect. But now...they're gone. I hate that the one part I loved about me was sacrificed in attempt to perfect the rest of me....and I still haven't achieved perfection. It's not fair.

      Sometimes, I really wish I could get past this...

Back! I hate emotions....

     Once again, I'm really sorry that I haven't been on lately, I've been super busy. School and community service and all that. Asdfffff sometimes I hate getting a top-notch education.
 
     So, last weekend I had my own birthday gathering. Had a bunch of people over to my place, we ate like pigs. Home-made pizza(Mine was white and delicious and probably better for me than anything else. So, pizza dough, mozzarella, Parmesan, ricotta, rosemary-infused olive oil, tomatoes, sundried tomatoes, mushrooms, and broccoli), then these awful for you desserts (All in a cupcake tin, brownies topped with chocolate chip icecream topped with gnash topped with decorative sprinkles), and in the morning bacon, eggs, and toast.

     The party was great fun, but kinda also sent me into a tailspin. I have a majoooor crush on my guy best friend, not that I would ever let him know. He's, like, emotionally stunted and doesn't do relationships. I'd mostly gotten over him, since he wasn't around all summer. Then he spent pretty much the entire party cuddling with me, meaning nothing by it, just being sweet. But it's sent my brain into mush. All the success I'd had getting over him....Gone now. I'm back to square one, and I can't get him out of my head. Fuuuuuu. I really just wish he'd be more clear with his emotions, but...he's a guy. They don't do that. Girls are so much simpler; next girl I find who's into me, I'm going for it.

     Back to food, this Friday was my actual birthday, so we partied in 2 classes. Breakfast cupcakes(In cupcake form, toast, eggs, bacon, and cheddar cheese), and the same dessert things from my party. Plus also pancakes, orange juice, and this amazing apple maple bundt cake. I was bad...And then on Monday, we do it all over again.

     So, I've been bad. But I don't usually binge like this, and it's not like it's every day. It's been over, like, 2 weeks. Other than that I've been on mostly fruit and juice. Ooh, I have starfruit in my fridge and that makes me really happy. And I finished off a few rambutan the other day. I plan to stay on fruit for the next long time.

     I've started running regularly again; I can already feel my legs starting to tone up. Of course, they're already fairly toned since I rarely wear anything but heels, but still. They're more toned now. And that's a good thing. I just have to be careful I don't get too much muscle bulk, since I hate that. I want the pin legs that, like, no-one has. I've only met once person in real life who has the ideal legs for me. It kind of makes me feel like I want the impossible. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

Sorry...

     Sorry I haven't posted in forever; I've been really busy!


     Posts coming soon, though! Stay skinny!

Treat yourself!

     I probably went over my calorie limit today, but you know what? I don't care.
     
     Today was my best friend's birthday party, so of course, all dietary limitations get scrapped...Well, to a point. As much as I was tempted, I resisted foie gras. So so fatty, even if it is delicious. But anyway, we went to Graffiti, which is a lovely restaurant in the East Village.  I had a  watermelon salad with feta cheese, and a mint sorbet. And then I was convinced into dessert, so I had strawberries with truffle oil, and pepper ice cream. So fucking amazing. Go there. NOW. I was also sorely tempted by the lychee martinis, which I've had before and are AMAZING, but I withstood.
   
     By the way, everyone's always so amazed when they find out that I drink all the time in restaurants here, but really, I've never been carded. Neither have any of my friends. It's not like we look over 21, even, we don't. I guess it's just a New York thing? I dunno. But no-one even bats an eye; alcohol isn't seen as a big deal in the circles I do.

     After we finished at Graffiti, we went to Veniero's, which is only like, a block away from Graffiti. I got a sfogliatella (I think I spelled that right?) and a baba rum. Italian pastries don't really go well with the Indian-ish food we'd just had at Graffiti, and we had already had dessert. But whatever. Also had an iced cappuccino which is made with espresso gelato omggggg....So good.

      And then we went back to my friend's house, where we had some forties and watched Not Another Teen Movie. And it was fun.

     I didn't keep track of calories at all, and definitely went over my 500, but you know what? It was fun. I had loads of fun. I figure one meal over my limit is excusable, right? It was truly worth it, so I don't feel bad.


     Also I totally want to do Mia Kirshner. She's so amazing.

I'm such a masochistic freak...

     I've stopped getting page views...Pooh. Haven't had any for 2 days.

     Anyway, moving on. I had a bit of a pig-out today, but it's fine, as it was all under my calorie limit. I try to stick to 500 or less a day. Not so hard, considering I'm very used to eating only one meal a day, even before my ana. So I had 3oz of spicy curly fries(150 cal), 3 slices of cheese melted on top (180 cal), 2 tbs of ketchup (30 cals), 1 celery stick, and 1 tbs of salmon roe caviar on top of it (40 cals). Plus some black tea and Splenda. Total: 400 cals

     It's strange; for someone who has so many issues with food, I adore it. I love cooking it, reading and watching about exotic and exquisite types of it( Antony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern are some of my favorite people EVER), eating said exotic and exquisite foods, and that kinda thing. I have a passion for the gourmet and unusual food, especially fruit. I can spend hours shopping in Asian food markets and the like, and my favorite foods (Lychee, rambutan, dragon fruit, truffles, and quail) are things that most people don't ever eat. I'm happiest when I'm slaving over a hot stove, cooking for my family....Only to then take my share upstairs and flush it down the toilet. I love going to gourmet restaurants, and it's a double bonus since the servings are so tiny, I don't feel too guilty.

     The worst bit of it all is that most of the time, this pleasure is double-sided. It's a bit torturous to have to deprive myself of all the lovely things out there. Sometimes I just have a good cry after flushing what I'd just cooked, or googling something particularly yummy looking. It's miserable.

      But then there are those lovely moments when I find things I can eat, even in small quantities. And I guess that makes it better, since I tend to eat a lovely variety of things, when I do it.

      What do you, my non-existent viewers, make of it all?

Call me a witch; I'm melting...

     Do you guys ever feel like you just need to sob, completely crushed, and have no idea why? That's prety much where I am right now.

     I can't even bear to be alive any more. I can't take it, I just wan't everything to stop....moving. Things go so fast, and I keep feeling like where I want to be has been left behind. I'm finally starting to like where I am in life, and I'm being forced into casting it all aside. Fuck college, fuck ambition, fuck all the fucking potential. I just want to curl up in bed forever, crying silent little tears.

     I feel so fucking different from the rest of the world. I don't feel connected to friends, family, people at school, people from my scene, people of the ED community, anything. I feel like all the connections I've forged are meaningless, and one little step could send me off alone. Nothing feels concrete anymore, nothing's solid. And all that makes me wanna do is eat, so I have something weighing me down.

     But then I'll just feel like shit, so there's no point.

     Today I have eaten 2 cups of apple sauce. Approx 200 calories. Cup of tea, 0 cal. 1.5 tbs of honey for the tea, 33 calories. .25 oz wine in my tea, approx. 10 calories (That sounds wrong to me, but the internet says so.) 1 lemon wedge for my tea, approx. 2 calories. 4 shots of brandy so far....224 cal and counting.


Total damage for the day: 469.

I'll probably sleep after this.