Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Sorry for the lack of posts...

     I'm in the middle of a move (Yay TriBeCa!!!! So happy to be living here.) so I've been really busy and dealing with sketchy internet. Also college stuff(Thanks for not filing your taxes early for me, Daddy. Have fun paying more for college.) Aaaaaand there's a whole pregnancy scare thing that I'll get into later...life's been all over the place...So I obviously have been really slacking on the blog.

     Food's been going pretty good, though. No TIME to eat, if anyone asks. Too STRESSED to eat if they don't believe that. Plus we're still stocking up our kitchen here and all so food's been all over the place ANYWAY. And I'm so proud of myself. I threw away ALL the candy I got on Valentines day, including CRAZY good chocolate and Fun Dip.  It was hard, but I just couldn't bear to gain back any weight since I'm almost...happy with where I am weight wise. So the trash ate the fat grams and calories.

     Today I have ingested  3 cups of pickle juice. Which is actually quite tasty and good for you, like Gatorade but better. I'm doing it as a sort of detox. 1 week, 3 cups a day. I've been getting the juice free from a nearby deli in huuuuge vats. And honestly, 3 days into my detox, I've never felt better. Pickle juice rehydrates and replenishes electrolytes. And it's doing great things for me. I'm more energetic than I've been in a while, and I haven't gained any weight. Haven't lost any either, but whatever. All the stress in my life was leaving me crazy drained, and this is helping like crazy. Totally recommend this to anyone. Do it! Do it now!

     So far as the pregnancy thing goes....I dunno. I have a lot of problems forcing K to wear a condom, which I KNOW is a stupid decision on my part  but I just...can't say know. I can't bear to do anything to make him not 100% happy. And I'm fine with the pullout method, I really am. It's not really that risky IF you do it right and pull out in time....and once he wasn't sure if he did or not. So I dunno. I don't think I'm pregnant, really, since I did bleed. But it was early and a LOT lighter than I've come to expect...but I don't think it's implantion bleeding since that's only pink or brown and this wasn't...and....I dunno. I'm pretty sure I'm not but there's still that question in the back of my mind.

     Either way I'm not sooo torn up about it. I'm in pretty good spirits at the moment. Oh well. I'll take it as it comes.

     (Never got around to responding to the last comment I got. OMG I am so so pleased to be someones thinspo. That's like...being god to me. Best compliment I've ever gotten. Really touched me and keeps me going. Arms are my best feature, I think. My skin get's loooots of work, it's prone to dryness. I have a pretty strict regimine I go through. If you're curious I'll outline it but it prolly won't work for you since everyone's skin is very different.)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

...Titles are not my forte...

     To clarify on my last post, 68 lbs does seem like a veryyyy small weight, but I'm 4'11. A 'perfect' weight for me would be, like....90 lbs. So I'm only about 20lbs underweight. And I have a a tiny frame naturally, so probably I could be healthy even lower than 90. Like, while I was in the 80s, I didn't have any physical repercussions. And the BMI doesn't seem fair; the more weight you lose, the more it impacts the number. So at a very low weight, less than half a pound would be a dramatic difference on the BMI scale, whereas if you get to average or above, even several pounds don't change the BMI at all. So while it seems very very small, it's not unrealistic for me. I knoooow I'm just making excuses to justify loosing even more....But I can't help it.
     I don't even wanna know how much I ate over the past few days. Yesterday, I went to brunch with K and his family(tiny bit of eggs(est. 1 egg?), 2 slices of bacon, a mini poppyseed muffin) and had dinner with him and his mom, too(salad, italian dressing, baked ziti, 2 oreos, and cranberry sierra mist.) And today we did spaghetti and cranberry ginsing tea w/ truvia. Soooo...I really don't want to know how many calories that is over the past few days. I'm petrified that I'll scoot back up on the scale.

     I forgot to mention that my period has been acting all sorts of whack lately. Coming and going and coming twice a month....aah! But at least it's here. That's rather a lovely thing. I'm kind of scared that being at this new low might make it leave again, but I want to be thin more than I want to be fertile. I know that's a horrible thing to say, since I've decided I do want kids some day...but I can't help it. I can't think about the future when I'm so preoccupied with my weight. The little voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm fucking up my body for good doesn't come close to outweighing the one screaming that if I just put down the muffin, then I'll loose another pound and be one step closer to being happy. And I know that's not really true and I'll never be happy...but I just can't get that through my head. It's almost like my ana is another person. I get why so many people refer to it as 'her'. I tell her, with a logical, winning-type argument, that she's being stupid and will hurt herself, and she hears me....but she doesn't listen. That's what it feels like.

     If I ever decide to quit this, I'm going to need actual help.

Here's a pic btw, bleached my bangs back. Sorry I never gave you a pic of it colored.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I told.

     Sorry for the lack of updates. I think...blogging is hard for me. Ridiculously hard. It's painful to talk about these things, to admit that I do have an illness. I avoid blogging a lot now. I'll try, though, since it's good to have an outlet where I can talk about these things. Though I kind of have another outlet now.

     I told K about my ed. It was hard, but it had to be done. Total honesty policy, and all that. He's so open with me, and I felt like shit keeping this huge part of my life from him. He....freaked out, basically. Spent HOURS telling me how beautiful and perfect and thin I am. And I believe him, I really do. But...that still doesn't change things. The logical side of my brain knows I'm thin, too thin. It's always known. It's just...there's some sort of disconnect from the logical part of my brain and whatever bit of grey matter controls how I act and see and think of myself. So despite his saying that, I still can't stop.  But it's nice having someone to talk with about it.

     I feel bad about telling him though, for his sake, not mine. He's always worried about me, for whatever reason. Making sure I'm sleeping enough, worrying where I am, making sure I get home ok, that I get all my schoolwork done, that I'm emotionally stable. He's even always making sure I eat, even long before I told him. That's just how he is. It's sweet. But I HATE worrying him. He has troubles of his own, and he shouldn't burden himself with mine as well. But he does, especially now. He's calmed down a little since I told him, but you can tell it still affects how he treats me. He worries a lot more now.

     Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. School is....overwhelming, to say the least, but it's not really phasing me that much. I dunno why, it just hasn't affected me. I've got a helluva case of senioritus, too. Oy vey. I have essays up the wazoo, and homework that's backed up for dayyyys. It's kinda awful. I need to stop procrastinating. But whatever.

      I've been pretty good about eating. I've been cooking like crazy- tons and tons of muffins, stew, chicken, ect. ect. ect. I mostly only eat when K is over, though. The rest of the food is given out at school, or to my family, or anyone else but me. I'm proud of myself, though. I kicked the purging. I did it for a few days after my last post, and stopped cold turkey. And it feels great. And....I'M DOWN TO 68.5 LBS!!!! Ohmigosh you guys you have no idea how good it feels. I've jumped to a 13.8 bmi! It's amazing. And for long moments, I feel actually thin. And, then, of course, I stop feeling so amazing and wish I could get to 60 lbs...but whatever. It's a huge accomplishment and I am so so proud of myself.

Todays intake: 1 cup of Mangostein tea, with truvia(which is actually quite gross and tastes of aspartame. But it's so pretty and sparkly.). 0 cals.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


     I come to you, dear blog, with no excuse or apology for not posting...and a chimichanga and a glass of sugary lemonade. No excuses for those either. I've crashed, guys. I've crashed hard. I've eaten soooo much today...and purged every time. Egg in a nest on WHITE bread fried in EVOO with a side of BACON? In my toilet. Half-caffe machiatto? Coffee shop toilet. Cinnamon scone? School toilet. Mushroom and onion omelette? Cafe toilet. And soon the things I'm eating now will join the rest of my vomit in the New York City sewers.

     I don't know why I'm doing this. I've never really purged before; maybe once or twice. I have no reason to feel shitty, or at least not shittier than usual. Things have been going great school-wise, socially, with K(who I see Sunday), and my weight hasn't changed in forever. I don't understand.

     Honestly though...I'm scared. I though for a while my ana was getting better...but today's behavior tells me otherwise. The whole binge nd purge thing terrifies me. Always swore I'd never do this. That's a promise that got broken.

     I hate making myself throw up. My throat hurts, my eyes water, I got little blood spots under the skin around my eyes, my mouth tastes disgusting, and I just feel like shit. But today it was like an addiction. I just really hope tomorrow goes better. Even if I have to fast; I just don't want to keep purging.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Um yeah...

     Sorry that I've been a baaaad blogger, I know, I know. I'll try to be better, really. I'm having internet issues in my room currently though, so when I feel like blogging, my internet is down, and when it's available, I don't feel like blogging.

     How was all of your Thanksgivings? Harddddd times for we EDers, huh? I juice-fasted for days before hand so I didn't feel too guilty, and I ate as little as possible. I actually wound up doing two Thanksgiving dinners, one with my dad's family on Thanksgiving Day, and one with my moms fa
mily on Black Friday. Saturday I went shoe shopping, and got my hair dyed. My bangs are blue you guys!!! I'll put up pictures in a little bit.

     K is away on vacation for a looooong time, to some tropical island. He spend Friday night in a hotel, and flew out Saturday morning. I don't get to see him until the 13th, and the last time I saw him was Wednesday. And we can't text much(2-3 texts a day) since that would get craaaazy expensive for him. Honestly though I just wish we wouldn't text at all, since now I'm constantly by my phone, waiting for his texts. But whatever, I'll live. Pro is, I'm the opposite of an emotional eater. I'm an emotional starver. When I'm anything but happy, I can't bear to eat. So fasting is going well, I had some grapefruit juice this morning, and 3 shots of espresso. Figure 80 calories.

     I went food shopping on Saturday, too. Bought black truffle oil (to accompany the white truffle oil and the white truffle oil with porcini mushrooms I already have), walnut oil, and hot pepper infused oil. I have a thing for fancy oils; I also have rosemary oil, and I recently ran out of peppercorn oil. It's borderline obsession. I also bought organic chunky applesauce, champagne vinegar, and tuna-stuffed olives. I don't know why I spend so much money on all this stuff, considering I rarely use it. I dunno. I have such fucked up attitudes about food.

     Now, the most major news. Guess what came Saturday night! That's right- MY PERIOD!!!!!! I'm spotting you guys!!! It's crazy light, barely anything, but it's better than nothing! I don't know why it came, maybe it was the shock of so much more food than usual in my from Thanksgiving; I dunno. I didn't seem to gain any weight. All I know is it's back, and I couldn't be happier. Really this astounds me. Gotta make an appointment with my gyno; see what she thinks.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I've been a bad, bad girl...

     I know. I know, I haven't posted in forever! Even after promising that I would. I wish I had an excuse, but I don't. I've been busy, but not so busy that I couldn't blog. I guess the only reason I haven't been blogging is...I've been...happy.
     I only really blog a lot when I'm miserable. But since K and I started dating, I've been on cloud nine. We're like, the cutest couple ever. We kinda make our friends want to puke, even though we try to keep PDA to a minimum. We draw the line at kissing, but cuddling and such is fine. I'm really happy, you guys. And that just means I have no motivation to blog. But I'm gonna try to keep up with it from now on, ok? I felt bad every time I'd look at my computer.

     On the ana front, not much has been happening. I eat regular meals every time K comes over to my apartment, though I can get away with only fluids when I'm over at his place. And let me just say, there have been times where I've gone a day with the only thing I've ingested being HIS fluids hehehe. I think he kind of suspects I have an ED\. He'll check up on me to make sure I've eaten something that day, and if I haven't, it doesn't take much to convince him I'm fine and not hungry. He just asked me like...5 min ago over text. I'll probably eventually tell him....but not yet.

     I hate to talk so incessantly about K, but there's once more thing I have to say. Whenever I would have sex with anyone, I'd always feel really...gross. I'd obsess over the rolls of my stomach as I bent down, or thinking of the best ways to angle myself so I looked thinnest. But with K....I don't feel like that. I just focus on what I'm supposed to focus on. (For the record, we haven't gone the whole way yet; he's still a virgin and not ready for that). And most stunning, when he calls me beautiful....I actually believe him.

     Today, I've been gooood. I've had 2 celery sticks, and a cup of unsweetened black tea. That's no calories, none. So proud of me.I haven't had any significant weight change in a while, about the same since last real post.

    So, yeah. I'm hoping to get back into blogging regularly, so expect to see more posts from me. Love you all!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Sory again!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, busiest week EVER. I'll blog tomorrow I think.