I hate you, Ana.

     I had fruit today. Yay. I had 10 lychee nuts. That is a total of 30 calories, approximately.  Also about 1 cup of cranberry juice, so around 116 calories. So sourrrrr! Not doing that again.

     But anyway, total of 140 calories. I also drank a loooot of water today. I had a calorie-free cough drop as well, as my throat is SO raw.


     There was a blood drive at my school recently(again, not gonna say exactly when; I don't wanna be tracked down...). I worked at the check-in for a while (an hour of community service, plus skipping gym? YUSSS!), but I can't donate. It's my ana's fault. Too low body weight.  Anorexia is very restricting, yanno?

     I hate that I can't do so many things because of my low weight. I hate that I'm always weak, cold, tired, sleepy, and frail. I hate that my immune system is weak, and I hate that I'm sick so often. I hate lanugo. I hate being sickly-pale and grey. I hate that my hands are sometimes purple. I hate waxing constantly, because of lanugo. I hate knowing that I've gotten so thin and unhealthy, I may never be able to have children. I hate lying to my family and friends about getting my period. I hate lying to my family and friends about food. I hate lying to my family and friends about everything else.  I hate staring at girls who I know aren't fat, but thinking about how disgusting and huge they are. I hate thinking the same that girls who truly do have EDs aren't that skinny, and should try harder. I hate looking on girls forced into recovery and thinking they should fight back, rather than eat and get fat. I hate looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I hate hating my body, my mind, my feeling, my thoughts. I hate thinking I'm not good enough. I hate knowing that I'm already thinner than most girls with ED's, and yet not being able to stop. I hate promising myself  that after this next five pounds, I'll stop. I hate promising to myself that soon, I'll get help, and go into recovery. I hate breaking those promises. I hate not knowing when it will end.
I hate knowing it never will end.

One day, Ana will kill me.