As of yet, I'm doing well on my water fast. Almost broke it during lunch at school today, but I stayed strong.
Today we were working on our swimming unit in school. Yeah. That means bathing suits. In public. Ugh. The humiliation was unbearable. I was so miserable, all exposed and vulnerable; it was really hard not to give up my fun ol' facade and break out in tears. It was awful. I couldn't stand being all out there, wobbly and bulgy and gross. It's not even just the fat, though; I hate how unprotected and vulnerable I feel when I'm so close to naked in front of everyone. I also had a gross rash on one of my upper arms from waxing the night before. I hate lanugo. Not fun.
The comments on how thin I am was nice, but I guess they don't notice my problem areas? Idk. I think all girls without ana/mia are blind to jiggle, so long as most of a body is thin. They say we see things wrong, dysmorphia and all that, but no. I think we're just more attuned to noticing our many flaws. There's nothing wrong with my eyes; I can see when my thighs bounce when I jump or if there's a disgusting amount of pinchable flesh on my side. The rest of them just don't see it since they're not in our bodies. I know I have fat, and I hate when people tell me otherwise.
Onnn another note, is it just me, or is hunger a wonderful feeling? I adore the feeling of having nothing in my stomach, and the rumblies make me happy. I dunno how to describe it. It's not even just the success of not eating; it's the feeling itself. Loooove it.
Kayso well. Ta-ta for now!
My god, you're speaking my mind... You're a much stronger person than me though. There's simply no way I could get in a bathing suit in front of other people. I completely agree with everything you said. Especially about being more aware of what our bodies look like. It disgusts me that people aren't more critical of themselves. You only get one life, one body. And having loads of fat on you just screams, "I don't value this body, the only one I'll ever get, I just don't care! I'm fat and lazy!" It just leads me to believe that's how much effort they put into every other aspect of their life. They're apathetic and they can't appreciate hard work or beauty. I've had to break off friendships with people like that... Which may be wrong, but atleast they don't know that's why I stopped talking to them. They would just bring me down so much...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, sorry for such a long comment! Great blog!
OMG you popped my comment cherry! Yay!
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of what you said, but I didn't take it to so much of an extreme. I think that'll be the subject of my next blog, thanks for bringing it to mind.
Thanks for the support.