I won't get a freshman 15, more like 45.

     I hate college prep. I don't want to have to think about any of this. I hate having to write the fucking acceptance essays that make you look at yourself, because I hate looking at myself. Every time I'm forced to write about an experience that changed me for the better, I can't do it, since I'm not good enough to have been changed. I'm a worthless fat shit, and I don't want to write otherwise. I hate the lying I have to do. I just want to write about my ana, and how it's made me a stronger person. But I don't think the college boards would want a nutter like me going to their school. So I have to write bullshit about overcoming shyness and valuing life.

     Fuck all that. I've never been shy, and I know my life is fucking worthless, so why would I value it. I'm not a good person; I haven't had great epiphanies that would make me a worthy candidate to any college. I'm worthless. I'm a worthless, stupid pig who can't manage to do anything right. Not even starve.

     Speaking of which, I ate today. I promised myself the only calories I would have this week would be from juice (preferably grapefruit), but I have no willpower when I'm stressed. All I can manage to do is stuff my fat face.

     Today I have eaten:
2 8oz glasses of grapefruit juice-220 cals
1 rectangle of Hersheys Dark Chocolate bar-15 cals
2 Pecan Sandie cookie-80 calories.

     95 extra fucking calories. That's a 15 minutes jog, or a 20 minute bike ride. And, of course, I didn't do any of that. So it's just going to become fat. Fat fat fat fat fat.

     It's not even so much the amount of calories, since 315 is really a quite small amount of calories for a day. But I hate that I can't resist eating food, especially disgusting food that's so terrible for me. I hate my lack of willpower, hate how weak I am. I wish I could just not.......need.

     Tomorrow I'm going on a water diet. For a week. I will not be swayed on this. I have to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to know that I am strong. Without that, I won't go to college, since I know I will get fat.