I'm not a girl, no longer a woman....

     Did you guys all wear purple yesterday?? I was gonna blog about it, but forgot.

     Intake today - 1 persimmon, approx 100 cals. A little less, since I shared with my dad and brother. Also plain tea (White with mango and mangosteen). I also used chapstick like crack- Burt's Bees balms in acai, passionfruit, and pomegranite are amazzzzing. Also MAC's Best of Breed. But none of these things have calories. So, approx. under 100.

     I really don't wanna talk about this, but I feel I should, since it's ana-related. I stopped getting my periods about 10 months ago, due to low body weight. I've only recently started going to a gynecologist, so I was able to hide this fact for a while. But now they need to know things like that, so it's become an issue. Basically, without a period, I can't have kids, and the longer I don't get it, the more at-risk I am to become entirely infertile. I was put on Provera, to try to get me back on track....Well, it didn't work. I've spoken to my doctor, set up an appointment and all that...but she says the chances of anything else working, aside for gaining weight....probably won't work. I'm pretty much infertile. Barren. Amenorrheic. Fruitless.

     I mostly don't like kids, though that may be affected by the fact that I knew for a while that having kids might be an issue. Like, I won't let myself, so I don't get hurt if I can't. I don't know if that's why I don't like kids, but I try to be psychologically aware of myself, and put all possibilities out there. Still, the idea that I may NEVER have children is terrifying. Sure, I may never have had kids, if I wound up with a girl, but at least I would have the option. I feel like anorexia has robbed me of my womanhood.
 
     On top of that, I'm entirely flat-chested. No tits. None.

    Ignore my ugly bathing suit and non-existent collar-bone and sternum. But, see, nothing in the chest area. Nothing. The one bit of fat I actually like on bodies is boobs. Nice, round, perky ones. B's and C's. But I don't have that. All my fucking fat goes to hiding beautiful bones (LIKE MY COLLAR BONES GODDAMIT. THOSE ARE THE SEXIEST THING EVER I WANT THEM AAAAAH!) and giving fat fat fat legs and love handles. Not where I want it. I used to have boobs, I remember. They were lovely- perfectly shaped, with just the right amount of hang and such; I didn't even care that they were small. Like this, but a little larger. Or this, a little smaller. (Warning: Do not click if you're not ok with seeing bare breasts, even in a non-sexual manner.) They were my opinion of perfect. But now...they're gone. I hate that the one part I loved about me was sacrificed in attempt to perfect the rest of me....and I still haven't achieved perfection. It's not fair.

      Sometimes, I really wish I could get past this...