Do you guys ever feel like you just need to sob, completely crushed, and have no idea why? That's prety much where I am right now.
I can't even bear to be alive any more. I can't take it, I just wan't everything to stop....moving. Things go so fast, and I keep feeling like where I want to be has been left behind. I'm finally starting to like where I am in life, and I'm being forced into casting it all aside. Fuck college, fuck ambition, fuck all the fucking potential. I just want to curl up in bed forever, crying silent little tears.
I feel so fucking different from the rest of the world. I don't feel connected to friends, family, people at school, people from my scene, people of the ED community, anything. I feel like all the connections I've forged are meaningless, and one little step could send me off alone. Nothing feels concrete anymore, nothing's solid. And all that makes me wanna do is eat, so I have something weighing me down.
But then I'll just feel like shit, so there's no point.
Today I have eaten 2 cups of apple sauce. Approx 200 calories. Cup of tea, 0 cal. 1.5 tbs of honey for the tea, 33 calories. .25 oz wine in my tea, approx. 10 calories (That sounds wrong to me, but the internet says so.) 1 lemon wedge for my tea, approx. 2 calories. 4 shots of brandy so far....224 cal and counting.
Total damage for the day: 469.
I'll probably sleep after this.
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